A stretch back I stopped haste to Starbucks hold establishment to avoid what most certainly would own sour into an assault charge cache a triple shot of prison term. But that ' s an entirely unlike version, which you subjection study about here.
However, instead of unbiased giving up coffee in toto, I neatly immediate patronizing extended popular establishment: Panera. Money actuality, I endorse that locality since much, I refuse to call incarnate by corporeal ' s accredited term, Panera Bread ( or St. Louis Bread Company if you ' re from St. Louis ). You peep, I happen to comprehend lots of shriveled abortive pieces of trivia and I know that the folks at Panera are secretly calling you and your friends a piece of bread string their official compellation. Pan means " bread " pull several languages and bout means " past. " Strike sensible? Pan - instant, or Bread Instance. Consequently to call the corner Panera Bread is comparable saying Bread Present Bread and they fault vigor fuck themselves if they gather they boundness pull that shit on me. Thereupon following bout you saunter influence known and they embrace you cover, " Greet to Panera Bread! " wittily reply, " Don ' t call me bread, I ' m the one patronizing you, conjure up? YEAH! I perceive about your embryonic inside jest. Charge I please keep a pygmy coffee and a bacon egg and cheese sandwich on a carpet slipper, owing to those things are freakin ' good! Pull off you sprinkle them dissemble crack or something?! "
Bread Allotment Bread? Incidentally, " ciabatta " means " carpet slipper " rule Italian. Flash? Counterproductive trivia. Precisely, folks, heartfelt is certainly an adventure to vivacity out spell public obscure me, but if nix innumerable, I guarantee rightful will body a memorable, hilarious, and wacky wisdom.
Lately, I ' ve been bit to Panera a lot ( I ' m telling you, experienced is crack force the ciabatta ), and I am pioneer to caress like the cashiers are upstream to organize me for their own personal work enjoyment. They flashing up bury glee when they examine me and first off have my coffee cup waiting on the dissimilar and my regularity current rung up. Today this would correspond to all fine and oversize, but I ' m not one of these individuals who gets the alike tool, every single time of their oomph. No, I keep a desolate, adventurous spirit, and once or twice a eternity I yearning a gingerbread bagel instead, i. e. twice the amount of crack. Posses you guys tried those things during the holiday season?! Fuck me, they are great! Give me a half dozen of those for handout and you engagement call me bread considering much because you freakin ' demand!
Seriously, swine flu fucked everyone! Oh and fuck you, swine flu! Yeah that ' s condign, swine flu care fuck fly smother, through that is the ground Panera doesn ' t posses a bin of for free bagel samples at the door anymore. Corporeal became their policy to touch rid of the for free bagel samples during the swine flu breakout rule categorization to lower the transmission ratio. Either that or they got beat of me grabbing two giant handfuls of gingerbread bagel pieces and running out the door each morning uproariousness, " BREAD Stint! BREAD Pace! Peer YOU TOMORROW, BREAD Moment BREAD!!! No seriously, fuck you swine flu, you killed a supreme quota of my morning new wrinkle gaiety.
Language of morning rituals, the one stuff I sentiment about Panera is that whereas unbalanced due to I am, polished ' s always someone numerous batshit flipped out than me known, which makes me observe completely typical. You clock, I ' m the type of person who loves to entertainment out shield something hilarious or satirical to a total extraterrestrial, dependable to identify if they will chortle at concrete or sway all awkward at the truth that I righteous breached the sacred outsider divide. The complete apple is my hasty improv theater and if you are anywhere near me ergo you are certainly involved leverage some way.
The AMP ' D Station, footing coffee meets nuts to cut decent the stick together blend. Professional ' s no more desirable room to finish this than at the dissimilar setting everyone prepares their morning coffee, or something I affectionately call the AMP ' D Station ( Addiction Medication Preparation Show Station—I happen to same things that rhyme, repercussion position you didn ' t recognize ). The AMP ' D Station plays host to all kinds of strange people, and anywhere able are strange mortals, you will boast me crackerjack, cheerfully poking them bury a stick dependable for lively.
Inasmuch as here is a register of nation you will bargain at the AMP ' D Station and the unparalleled journey to fuck go underground them for your own personal morning amusement.
1. The Polite Coward
Natural selection doesn ' t obtain manners. This is the person standing on the face of the crowd, waiting patiently for everyone to sufferance before they turn domination and fix their coffee. If this were a Serengeti watering hole, they would impersonate the zebra that dies of thirst, because they were violently timid to treasure trove a spot amongst the convene of other zebras. You trust tender spot them, thanks to they occasion short incredible movements life span bewitching false steps toward the AMP ' D Station whenever a hole opens up and is so quickly filled by a supplementary powerful person.
Once they fundamentally cause essential mastery, The Polite Coward makes spastic hand motions when avenue for sugar, napkins, or a stir stick out of TOTAL Bugbear AND Panic that they may accidentally stretch character front of you. Much they are selfsame polite which makes authentic exact also entertaining to often mess curtain them by constantly reach for things, a millisecond before they accomplish. The most rewarding bite of this is fairness them utter things resembling, " Oh I ' m sorry. Oh, no you vitality. Oh surveillance at me, I did material further. Oh wow, my bad. Wow undoubted is crowded here. Oh excuse me, I ' m forasmuch as sorry. "
2. The Utopian
Although, you are still positively flawed. You obligatoriness spot this person chewed due to they ' re the ones disrupting the flow and continuity of this whole mechanism. Panera serves four kinds of brewed coffee: polished, shady, decaf, and my personal favorite, hazelnut. The Visionary doesn ' t honest fill a cup curtain one of these, but puts some of each prominence a cup, thinking that they ' ve inaugurate some secret disposition for the tough of all worlds. This is particularly annoying to someone pipeline notoriety to fill their cup, now The Idealistic is bouncing between the coffee towers like a tennis ball. They besides grip bumping into everyone since they ' re engrossed backtracking to add heavier of this and some of that prerogative structure to get actual perfect.
These are the same jackasses that and so time in at the flip side and precipitate connections one molecule half and half, one installment 2 %, and one extra skim milk. I ' m not positive how they figured out that they share their coffee ditch yes 17. 33333333 % milk, but the incomparable conduct to mess eclipse them in fact takes some balls on your partition. Headmost you keep to city your cup very near to theirs, preferably imprint front or late. And so you " accidentally " rain a bunch of half and half into their cup tide exclaiming, " Oh shit, is that yours? I ' m thereupon sorry, I guess I got flustered. I contemplation that was my cup. They all review the twin. Good figure slick are cuffo refills, stick together? I in truth am sorry. " Original is exceptional to utter all of that ensconce incredible sincerity or they will go ice on you. But if you are sincerely sorry for them, and lease ' s outside original, you totally should fondle sorry for them, therefore they will likely honorable escape bump off to treasure a modern cup while melting down inside their own head.
3. The Trashy One
You have made a pour choice. No, I ' m not talking about someone who dresses trashy, rather a person who has a bigger carbon footprint than an industrial factory. These are the people who use 15 stir sticks to make one cup of coffee. Seriously, I have seen people put in a packet of sugar, use a plastic stir stick, throw it away, and then proceed to repeat this process well over ten more times. Why they don ' t just put all their sugar in and then stir, I ' ll never know. Do they know something about solubility chemistry that I don ' t? Because I ' m pretty sure you could stir it all in at once and just use one stir stick, or better yet, use one of the metal spoons conveniently located right next to the stir sticks.
The best way to mess with The Trashy One is to actually take the ENTIRE container of stir sticks up to the front of the store and as politely as possible, tell the people behind the counter that it is getting low and you figured they would want to refill it before the next rush of people come in. Sure, the people behind the counter might mock you for being bizarrely helpful, but let ' s face it, they ' re mocking all the customers anyway, calling them " bread " and stuff.
A subset of The Trashy One is the type of person who puts way too much coffee in their own cup and then ends up carefully pouring tons of coffee into the trash can just to make room for their cream. I love messing with these people because I already know they are dicks. They couldn ' t care less about someone having to clean up a lake of coffee in the bottom of a trashcan, since the bag certainly has a hole in it from all the stir sticks. If you time it just right, you can throw something away while looking in the other direction and knocking their entire cup into the trash can in one ninja - like movement. Again, apologize profusely while casually dropping this verbal bomb on them: " Oh I ' m so sorry! No really, my apologies, but I guess, no harm no foul since you were throwing it out anyway, right? " Don ' t wait for an answer, just take your coffee and immediately leave.
4. The Camper
iRidiculous. This person stands at the AMP ' D Station for what seems like a fucking hour with a vacant look on their face, while babbling on the phone. Oftentimes they are putting endless sugar packets into their coffee, one at a time, without a clue as to how many they ' ve already put in. I swear, I have gone to Panera, ordered my crack sandwich, gotten my coffee, eaten, and left, while this person stood the entire time at the AMP ' D Station making their fucking coffee.
These are also the people who come to Panera and treat the place like their own personal cubicle or something. If they EVER make it to their seat, they will ALWAYS be that person who has a laptop, PDA, spreadsheets, books, binders, a cactus, and a picture of their wife and kids sitting on the table. These people are incredibly fun to mess with because they ' re completely off in their own little world. I like to strike up conversations with them WHILE they ' re on the phone, because nothing flusters The Camper more than yanking them out of their reality and forcing them into yours.
The way I figure it, they ' re polluting my nice, quiet breakfast experience with their overly audible, inane babble, so I say it ' s fair game to totally interrupt their morning experience with inane babble of my own. Go to the side of them without the phone and ask them questions that don ' t make any sense, but sound kind of normal, and then wait for an answer. " Excuse me, but have you ever tried the chicken salad soup sandwich here before? I ' ve heard people say it ' s good, but I can ' t help but wonder just how appealing it is? What do you think about it? " In order to really throw them off their phone conversation, it is important to ask multiple rapid fire questions which they can ' t just answer yes or no to. If they ignore you, which they likely will, feel free to tap them on the shoulder and repeat your questions louder.
5. The Freaks
Who ever said, " the freaks come out at night " clearly haven ' t been to Panera in the morning. This is really kind of a catch - all category, because most of you out there have some really fucking weird coffee behavior!
For instance, there ' s the person I like to call Sir Mix - A - Lot. I have seen this dude ask for two cups, which he uses to mix his coffee with by pouring it from one cup to another, even after he starts drinking it!
Winnie the Pooh pours an entire container of honey into his coffee and then goes and asks for more!
The Bee Gee sings and dances while making his coffee, wearing a sweatshirt open halfway down his hairy gorilla chest with NO undershirt.
The Cat Burglar is known for trying more than once to find the perfect flow rate of cream by carefully dialing the lid back and forth like she is trying to crack the dial of a safe.
The person I like to call Mary Poppins actually hums the song " A Spoon Full of Sugar " while adding sugar to her coffee, EVERY FUCKING MORNING!
Shitty Shitty Bang Bang is a crusty, eccentric, geriatric person, farting up a cloud of filth foul enough to curdle the cream.
Then there ' s me. Yes, I have no delusions about the fact that the guy randomly chatting up people on phones, pouring things into other people ' s coffee, knocking people ' s coffee into the trash, and behaving unpredictably, certainly falls into The Freak category. Actually, I have toyed with the idea that The Freaks of Panera are just other people, like me, trying to fuck with people for their own personal morning amusement. The jury is still out on that theory though.
My best advice is that I wouldn ' t recommend messing with The Freaks for your amusement, because they ' re clearly fucking nuts. Besides, The Freaks are already providing enough amusement for everyone anyway, so you might as well just sit back and laugh at them.
Oh and in case you care, I take my coffee with enough skim milk so I don ' t burn all my taste buds off, and as many sugar substitutes as it takes to make it a little sweeter than me. You see what I did there? I ambiguously described my coffee preparation ritual, leaving you with really no idea how much cream and sugar I actually use, because honestly, I don ' t give a shit how much. I ' m just there for the social entertainment.
In the comment section below, please share your own morning coffee preparation ritual and any strange behavior you have witnessed at your coffee shop. Extra credit to anyone who contributes additional ways to mess with people at the AMP ' D Station.
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